THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE___________________________

Freckles and Wrinkles

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" said a girl in the line next to the little fellow.
Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."
The boy looked up, "Really?"
"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandmother's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
~ Author Unknown ~

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and take your Maca Live...... You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you will just mess it up.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(...I'm taking this because???....)



On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

•Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

•Announcement in a church bulletin for a national conference:
”The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

•The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

•”Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

•The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

•Remember in your prayers the many sick of our community.

•Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

•Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

•Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

•For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

•Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

•During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

•The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing ”Break Forth into Joy.”

•Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

•A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

•At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

•Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

•Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

•Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

•The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.

•Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

•The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

•This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

•Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

•The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

•Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

•The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

•Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in overall system performance- particularly in the

flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such

as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed

undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1,

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes

the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but

to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

======================================================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 in an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved. Me.htm" and try

to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But

remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to

default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is

a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in

the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system

resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are

unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and

performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a depository?" Ethel pulled it out of Mabel’s ear and gave it to her. Mabel stared at it with a puzzled look on her face. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of excessive diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out "Watch that wall!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the older woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . , . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the Pearl and re-bait the trap."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out "Watch that wall!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do
and the eyesight to tell the difference.